to all e well-wishes out there.. thank you.. thank you very much... keep e good karma flowin.. =)well, i'm officially a quarter of a century old n i'm so not in e best of moods.. no reasons.. i dunno.. juz am... i hate feelin like dis but i guess i'll juz hafta sit it out.. since i dun haf much of a choice rite now.. i mean, i'm in limbo.. no werk.. no skool.. nothing..
absolute limbo.. n i'm very much conflicted wit my feelings on dat..
on one hand, i'm relishin in e fact dat i get to wake up when i want n do wateva wheneva i want.. well, pretty much..
actually, correction.. i dun really get to do wateva wheneva coz my broken n tattered wings haf been clipped in evry way possible.. i mean, i'm a grown adult, 25, fer cryin out loud n yet i still hafta answer to various parties regardin my do's n wants... n i HATE dat.. i hate e fact dat i'm still undermined in my independence.. n i dun enjoy havin comments on e way i dress.. n most of all, i hate havin to report strength to whoeva itis dat calls when i'm out late.. i understand all e care n concern n wat-nots but i haf a brain of my own.. pretty unconvincing but yeah i do.. it still werks albeit a bit rusty.. n attempts to make me see fm e same light as u wld neva werk.. so pls dun blame others fer my decisions/opinions/actions.. n stop tinkin of me as an immature adolescent who's got a penchant fer gettin into trouble.. last i checked, i've neva been a juvenile delinquent.. so i tink e chances of me turnin into one is rather slim...glad to be addressin dat issue tho i noe it wun change much of anythin... juz feels betta to get it off my chest.. speakin of chest, mine's been hurtin fer over a month now.. n sometimes in e middle of e nite, i wake up unable to breathe.. i'm pretty concerned n i've been tinkin of visitin e doc's.. but dat's all i do.. 'tink of it'.. gosh, it's a scary thot to be chokin to death simply coz my airways gets constricted.. tho i noe of a someone who'll probly be happy to receive dat news.. made dat 'joke' out of my concerns n all..
den again, i've got all these pent-up feelings/thots in me which is probly why my chest feels e way it feels.. see, dat's my problem.. i simply can't voice out e truly important stuff dat bugs me n i choose to juz repress it in hopes of it all juz goin away.. i try so hard to juz be simple n free but i guess e more u try, e harder it is.. i've always prided myself in bein free-spirited/happy-go-lucky so it's really hard fer me to dwell on e things dat bug me n it's even harder to explain it to others when i can't even understand it myself.. hmm.. i really dunno where i am goin in dis post but i s'pose i do feel somewhat lighter havin said all dis.. n e fact dat it's a one-way 'conversation' suits me juz fine..... also, if i'm all gloomy n moody n aloof, so be it.. let me be.. probly i'm e way i am becoz i've got other things in mind??.. which is probly oso in no way is connected to e fact dat i wanna spite/offend u... dun wanna play e name game but i do haf a couple of 'culprits' in mind.. u juz can't expect me to act e way how u wan me to okie? especially if i haf no inkling of e fact dat my actions or rather lack of it, hurts others.. as a wise fren once said.. i'm too popular.. can't please evryone, ay?i admit i expect ppl to read my mind n noe wat i feel like all e time but i tink i expect too much.. yeah, yeah.. i've double standards but hey, take it or leave it.. it doesn't take much to make me happy n if u still dun get it, u still dunno me... ® ok, ok.. i'm blabberin once more.. but i'm sleepy n juz wanted to get my msg across.. see?? even forgot to give a low-down on e 'celebrations' fer my milestone bifday.. (who am i kiddin??! spent e whole day moping at home.. whoop-de-freakin-doo..... honestly feelin bitter abt dat.. movin along now...........) neways, can't believe how long it's been since i last blogged.. to e extent of forgettin e HTML codes i use as short-cuts.. i totally blanked out fer a moment.. =PLabels: e day.., random rants
juz dunno how to put dis n i dunno how to start.. guyz, i'm back in sinzy fer good now.. no more dubai.. khalas-(arabic fer finish)..
juz got tired of it all.. plus i tink i had pretty much served my time.. 3yrs & 2mths there ain't no joke..! especially when u noe in your heart u juz dun belong there... sure, it's all glitzy n glam n i sure as hell cld get used to dat but i s'pose it's high time i woke up from dat bubble.. it's sucha love-hate relationship dat i haf wit my life there.. i mean, i lurve e freedom.. dat's e one thing i'm cravin so much for rite now.. n dat's exactly wat i'm sufferin withdrawal symptoms from.. there, i had no need to answer to anyone, no need to justify fer wateva i do/did.. no obligations.. no one to nag when i wake up late in e afternoon n refuse to shower fer 2 straight days..(e A/C unit at home is switched on almost 24/7 so i pretty much stay fresh longer.. =P).. n definitely no one to comment on my dressing nor comment when i come back late... heck, i cld sleep over whereva, wheneva back there!!! aaarghhhh....!!!! i noe i'm juz complainin so much rite now n i mite as well go back there but as i said it's a love-hate situation... as much as i loved it there, i hated e ppl.. there's a general lack of courtesy, respect as well as common sense.. havin said dat, i'm not sayin dat evryone's guilty of it.. juz sayin in general.. if i had my family , frenz n of coz my baby over there, i'd gladly suck it all up n continue living in denial but it makes a whole lotta difference when u're all alone.. gawd, i'm sucha contradiction ain't i? first, i wanna be alone coz i enjoyed it n den now i go on to say bein surrounded by ppl makes me happy.. sheesh.. proves my point as to juz how confused n lost i am.. now dat i'm back here, i'm currently unemployed.. n dun even get me started on dat.. fer 2 wks i thot i had a job secured.. had my hopes all high n plannin ahead only to receive dat letter sayin i din make e cut... so yeah, i really am lost.. not to mention, i lost my mak long (first aunt).. she passed away at e age of 64, n i feel guilty coz i bitched abt her n i din get e chance to apologise.. so now, i'm so not in e mood fer anythin.. so many things i've put on hold n i dun even noe when i'm gettin abt it all.. most importantly, i'm so not in e mood to sort out how i really feel.. confused is juz to put it mildly.. sadly, i feel alone.. more alone than i wuz in dubz.... so pls tell me why am i here again??sigh...Labels: going-ons.., random rants
